For the third love story in the SLOmygosh "Love Series"- my friend Kannyn shares a fun tale of how she met her Prince Charming-turned husband, Colby. THANK YOU, Kannyn!
♥
Kannyn + Colby
"It all started in an enchanted land, called San Luis Obispo, with a boy and a girl and their friend. The
boy, who is called Colby, lived in a yellow Victorian house with several other people. The house was
very much like a castle, or at least the dungeon of a castle and the girl, who is called Kannyn, visited this palace often because her friend, who will remain nameless, lived there with Colby and other bohemian types. The first night Colby and Kannyn interacted; she knew there was something special about him, something mysterious. He played a song he had written to her and the friend. A few days later the friend asked Kannyn if she was available to be courted by Colby. Kannyn got butterflies in her stomach at the idea and prompted her friend to arrange a few social encounters so the two could converse. With each meeting her fascination with him grew, he was very artistic, incredibly articulate and so very calm and collected. Then unexpectedly she ran into him at the swap meet, but lets call it a street market and he asked her if she would accompany him on a small ship for an afternoon, or to go kayaking. She did and the rest is history. The two are now living happily ever after with their two beautiful boys, Haydn and Asher."
For this- the second installment in my "Love series", Leah of the fun blog Cheer Up Old Bean, was kind enough to share the very sweet story of how she and her husband met- and the hurdles (and miles) they overcame to be together. Ahhh, romance...
THANK YOU, LEAH!
♥
Leah + Daniel
"Daniel and I met a little over 12 years ago as only we two nerds could! We met on an English history website called tudorhistory.org. I have always been interested in this time period in history- especially Henry VIII and his second wife Anne Boleyn. There was a pen pal section on the website which I eagerly signed up for, since I didn't have any friends who were interested in history, especially Tudor history- and I really wanted to chat and correspond with other people who shared my interest. Months went by where I corresponded with some lovely ladies (who I'm still in touch with!) and then I received an email from Daniel, who was from Sheffield, England. We just got to emailing back and forth almost daily, at first about the Tudors and then we went beyond and got to know one another on a personal level. It was pretty clear from the beginning that there was a spark- from personality alone!!
Fast forward 6 months and we were glued to the phone, having lengthy all night long conversations! Boy did my sleep suffer! We got used to the time difference- talked as often as we could, for as long as we could get away with. Eventually we realized this really was something real and had to meet in person. That was the most nerve wracking, yet exciting thing in the world!! I can't even accurately tell you how it felt to be waiting for his plane to land that very first time! Let's just say I called my mom for support and then hastily hung up on her when he stepped off of the plane- I think she was none too happy about that!
Obviously that first visit went well and for the next 8 years we continued to be long distance, with Daniel doing the majority of the traveling since I'm afraid to fly! Circumstances, of which we were not in control, changed that 8th year of our relationship and we were able to take the next step and begin the lengthy immigration process so Daniel and I could get married and finally be together full time.
The immigration process, though totally necessary and unavoidable, is not something I recommend! It's scary, confusing, expensive and really trying emotionally. It took about a year from start to finish, though Daniel was allowed to come into the country in that year so that we could marry and finish everything. Our wedding was hurried, small and inexpensive, but honestly just the way we wanted it! We got married in the garden of a beautiful little church in downtown Carmel, with only our parents as witnesses. Shortly after our little intimate wedding we had to go to Los Angeles for our final immigration interview. Let me tell you, it's just like the movie Greencard with Gerard Depardieu and Andy McDowell. They sit you down and want to know who sleeps where, how did we each get to our wedding, what are my parents names, where have we vacationed together- oh and I forgot to mention, we had to provide vacation photos and plane ticket stubs! It was one big anxiety mess! Oh and they asked ridiculous questions like: Was Daniel ever a pimp? Had he ever been a prostitute or drug dealer?... and the biggie- did he plan on committing acts of terrorism on US soil? We had to laugh and even the official guy asking the questions cracked a smile at those.
So here we are almost 5 years later, married and living on the same continent at last. We're settling into careers and planning the next stage of our life together, looking forward to what the future hopefully brings! Looking back on our courtship and relationship it just seems like a movie- it was romantic but gut wrenching with long separations and tearful goodbyes and that bittersweet feeling of knowing when we were together that our time was limited. Now that we're an "old" married couple we're no where near as "movie-like", we do mundane things like everyone else and that suits me just fine!"
I've been fascinated by the story of my grandparents' relationship since I was in high school- so in honor of Valentine's Day, I'm taking the opportunity to share a series of love stories... starting with theirs.
I hope you enjoy.
xo,
Lawrence and Marcia, 1960
"In 1958, I worked as a babysitter for his brother and sister-in-law, and he came to stay with them for a while. I guess he really thought I was something. He was a skinny thing- Grandma Rosie called him 'Larguísimo' (Spanish for big and gangly)! But he was cute, nice and so polite... I just liked him. Even though he was a big pervert because he was FOUR YEARS older than me! But we had the same birthday, April 18th, and he had a truck (I only dated boys with cars), so we went out to see a movie at the drive-in. "
"We just clicked."
My grandmother recalls: "I was almost 17 when I told my mother I wanted to marry him. When she protested, I threatened to get pregnant and she relented." My grandparents married in 1959, moved from San Diego to an apple farm in Washington in 1960, and travelled back to San Diego for the birth of my mother in 1961.
"...and then we un-clicked."
When my mom was a year old, my grandmother once again visited her family in San Diego- and upon her return to the apple farm, discovered hairpins in her bed. Without waiting for an explanation, she packed her things, scooped up my mother, and returned to her family. Though my grandfather followed her South, attempting to plead his case- the decision was made and it was final. My grandmother's family kept him away from her, arranged a hasty divorce, and dismissed my grandfather for good. Eventually he gave up completely, and left San Diego. My grandma remarried soon after, and my mother was legally adopted- erasing all traces of her biological father. She was raised with absolutely no knowledge of him aside from a single, confusing visit when she started kindergarten. "He kneeled down and told me he was my dad, and I said, OK." At five years old, she didn't understand what it meant- but remembers being struck by how "white" he was. In perhaps the most fitting summarization of the situation- my five year old mother's impression of her father was accurate and simplistic; "Everyone in my life was so brown- he just seemed like a ghost." Another visit occurred when she was 11, "he took me waterskiing." Older this time, her understanding turned to guilt. "I felt so awkward, like I was betraying my "real dad"- who had adopted me." Years passed, and the ghost of her father was simply forgotten. "I did try to find him when I was sixteen, but without the resources we have now- I quickly gave up." This time, decades passed.
My mom recalls: "In my 30's, I got a strange call from my dad- saying that Lawrence had contacted them, and would like to get in touch with me. They asked if it would it be ok to give him my contact information? I said yes, and he was on a plane to Kauai about a week later."
When they met again soon after in San Diego, my grandmother joined them. "I felt funny about seeing him again, but I was happily married to a wonderful man- who encouraged me to make peace with it. My husband met him and said: 'He's a good man, you made a good choice- you were just too young. You just went in different directions'."
Lawrence finally had an opportunity to explain what had happened on the day she left him- taking their baby (my mother) with her. While she had been away, visiting her family in San Diego- he'd invited his brother to stay in the house. Those hairpins she'd discovered in their bed... the tiny things that had altered the course of their lives- were the result of a kind gesture on the part of my grandfather; a harsh souvenir of the hospitality he'd shown his brother and sister-in-law. "I told him I was sorry. I realized that it was more my fault than his fault. I felt stuck on that apple farm, and the hairpins were an excuse to get out. I thought I was missing out on something bigger."
Finally at peace with the past, my biological grandparents kept in touch from afar. They met in person again after James was born. James, who was named for my grandma's "wonderful" third husband- whom we affectionately called "Papa". A month after James' birth, Papa passed away. Lawrence, newly divorced- reached out to her to offer condolence. "A few weeks later, he called to invite me to visit his mother and sister. He just thought it would be good for me to get away, and he knew they'd be glad to see me again." My grandma laughs when recounting this next part of the story... "I always liked his family, and felt immediately comfortable around them. Of course, the family is huge, and right away they all introduced me as his wife! When we left, they said: 'How'd you ever let her get away?'" After that visit, they simply never wanted to spend another day apart. She packed up her home in San Diego, and off they went to the house he'd built in Prescott, Arizona.
My grandparents' "un-click" spanned nearly 35 years, 4 marriages and 3 other children between them.
"And then we clicked back again."
"We remarried on our birthday- so neither of us will ever forget." When I asked if they had regrets about the decades spent apart over the hairpin-misunderstanding, my grandma takes it in stride and answers: "It's sad, but it's hopeful. Life is a big circle, and it took a long time to get around to it, but we finally did. Every woman in my family- when the going got tough, we left. It's just the way it's always been. But I have no regrets. Papa was a very good man, he was always good to my kids- he loved the family so much. When Lawrence and I were married, I was just a stubborn kid. Papa changed my life, he helped me find worth in myself. He respected my opinion. "
"It was a long road, but the people we are today are perfect for each other, and I would not be who I am today without the experiences I had."
"Of course, we butt heads once in a while- but it's never for long. I just feel so blessed to have him in my life again, and to be where we are now." When I asked her about their romance, she laughs and says: "He's so hokey. He's really funny, and he's a tender-heart. He's the only man I've ever known who cries at sad movies and likes chick flicks. He just tears right up. It's endearing. He has the kindest heart of anyone I've ever met, and he's not judgmental. I know that I can tell him anything, and that means a lot to me. I didn't come from a family who let it out. He listens, he doesn't judge, and he makes me feel special. I'm just so happy."
They've now been remarried for 12 years and are determined to live as long as they can- to make up for lost time.
Stay tuned for more in the "Love" series next week.
To share your own love story, get in touch here. ♥
This amazing article by Lydia Netzer was featured in the Huffington Post, and it offers outstanding and practical relationship advice. Whether you're married, engaged, dating, or just planning for a future relationship- you will find this article chock-full of pertinent information for nurturing a successful partnership. I especially love her numbers 2, 5, and 14.
And I'm curious... what's the best relationship advice you ever got?
Today is my fifteenth wedding anniversary. I really love Dan, and I am proud of how awesome our marriage is. We certainly haven't killed each other yet. Hell, we haven't even maimed each other. We have not always been perfect, but we have made two cool kids, and we have always kept it interesting. For two people as weird and intense as Dan and I are, staying together this long is a big accomplishment. I know some people are surprised.
Here we are going in to our reception. I had a big bow on the back of my dress. This is where we met.
When Dan and I got married, we were 25 years old. Now, we're staring down the barrel of 40. Looking back, I'm surprised we didn't self-destruct just for the heck of it. Now that we are older, we are perhaps surprisingly also wiser. Here are the things we have learned over the years that helped us stay married and even happy for 15 years. (Beyond that, you're on your own. I can't promise another 15.) Our list does not resemble the ones you'll find in Cosmo or Ladies' Home Journal. We have never had a regular date night, nor do we prioritize "communication" or play sex games or see a therapist. He doesn't bring me flowers every Thursday and I don't cook his favorite food very often. But we do have some other ideas.
1. Go to bed mad.
The old maxim that you shouldn't go to bed mad is stupid. Sometimes you need to just go to freakin' bed. "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath" is prefaced in the Bible by the phrase "Be angry and sin not." So, who's to say it doesn't mean "Stay angry, bitches. Don't let the sun go down on that awesome fierce wrath of yours." Seriously. Whoever interpreted this to mean that you should stay up after midnight, tear-stained and petulant, trying to iron out some kind of overtired and breathy accord -- was stupid. Shut up, go to bed, let your husband get some sleep. In the morning, eat some pancakes. Everything will seem better, I swear.
2. Laugh if you can.
In any fight, there is one person who is really mad, and one person who isn't that mad. That person should deflect the fight. Make a joke, do something stupid or corny, make the other person laugh. If the fight is very serious for you and you feel like you really want to plant your flag and die on this hill, fine. Do it. But if you're fighting for entertainment, or because you're just reacting, then you be the one to deflect. Fights are bad. Deflecting a fight whenever possible is a good idea. When you're the one who's being pissy and raw and the other person helps you get out of it and brings about peace, that feels fantastic. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. Letting Dan deflect a fight is the best thing, now. He does it really well.
3. Don't criticize. Ever.
Here is a fact: Whatever critical thing that you are about to say to your wife is already being loudly articulated in her head. And if it's true, she already feels like crap about it. Assuming you married someone intelligent enough to like you and sane enough to let you put a ring on it, trust that they are self-aware enough to know when they screwed up. It may feel good to you in that moment to say the critical thing, let it go ringing through the air in all its sonorous correctness, but it will feel awful to hear it. The only, only way it's beneficial to give your wife criticism of any kind is if you're absolutely positive she is completely unaware. And you better find the nicest, kindest way possible to tell her. And even then, good luck convincing her. The recognition of the thing you are helpfully trying to point out will be INHIBITED, not facilitated, by your criticism. And then you're the asshole. So be careful.
4. Be the mirror.
Your husband is the mirror in which you see yourself. And the things you say to him give him an image of himself too, which he will believe. You want him to believe it, so make it good. Be a mirror that reflects something positive: you're smart, you're successful, you're fantastic in the sack, you're a great provider, you're the best. Can you MAKE him any of these things just by telling him he is? I don't know, but consider this: the alternative really sucks. The things my husband says to me are 1,000 times more convincing than anyone else's opinion on earth. Don't think he won't believe you because you're married and you're contractually obligated to say nice things. He'll believe the shitty, insulting things you say and the gloriously positive things. Listen to Nico, girls:
5. Be proud and brag.
Let your spouse hear you talking about them in glowing terms to other people. Be foolish. Be obvious. It will mean everything. You will stay married forever.
6. Do your own thing.
Dan races bicycles. I write books. I don't race bicycles or have any desire to race bicycles. He doesn't write books, nor does he even read the books that I write. Seriously. And I don't care. My opinion is that he's the fastest, coolest most awesome bike racer ever. His opinion is that I'm the bestest, coolest writer ever. We don't have to know all about cycling or writing in order to form these opinions -- in fact, knowledge of literature or actually reading my book might damage Dan's opinion of me as "the best writer since the dawn of time." We can still support each other without being all up in the other person's stuff. Doing your own thing, having your own friends, being completely insanely passionate about something that the other person has no idea, really, about, is awesome. It allows your spouse to be your cheerleader, uncomplicated by knowledge or personal investment. And it means you'll always have stuff to talk about, because you're not overlapping all the time. You don't have to read the same books either. You don't have to have the same friends.
7. Have kids.
Kids stop you from being as crazy as you want to be. Because when you have kids, you can't be that crazy.
For example, when I had kids, I stopped smoking. Left to right: Susannah, Joshilyn, Dan, Me.
8. Get really good at sex.
You've got all the time in the world to get really, really good, not just at sex in general, but at having sex with your one particular husband. You should make it your life's mission to become the perfect sex machine exactly for him. And he for you. There is no reason to hold back, or be embarrassed, or not ask questions and get everything working properly. There's absolutely no excuse for letting years drag on without becoming fully skilled, gifted sex partners for each other. It makes everything so much better. Does talking about this make you uncomfortable? How uncomfortable would it make you to know that your spouse is secretly, silently "just okay" with your sexual performance? Yeah. You want to last 15 years, remember? That's a long time to be mildly happy.
9. Move.
Live in different houses. In different parts of the country. Travel. Make it so that you can look back and divide up your life into the years you spent in different cities, or different houses. If you're feeling stuck geographically or physically, you can confuse yourself into thinking you're stuck romantically. See your husband in different places, in different contexts, in different countries even. Try it. Take him to a mountaintop and give him another look. Pretty sexy. Take him to a new city and check out his profile. Along the same lines, don't be afraid to change personally, or let your wife change as a person. Don't worry about "growing apart." Be brave and evolve. Become completely different. Don't gather moss. Stagnation is unattractive.
10. Stop thinking temporarily.
Marriage is not conditional. It is permanent. Your husband will be with you until you die. That is a given. It sounds obvious, but really making it a given is hard. You tend to think in "ifs" and "thens" even when you've publicly committed to forever. If he does this, I won't tolerate it. If I do this, he'll leave me. If I get fat. If I change jobs. If he says mean things. If he doesn't pay more attention. It's natural, especially in the beginning of your marriage, to keep those doubts in your head. But the sooner you can let go of the idea that marriage is temporary -- and will end if certain awful conditions are met -- the sooner you will let go of all kinds of conflict and stress. Yes, you may find yourself in a horrible situation where it's absolutely necessary to get a divorce. But going into it with divorce in the back of your mind, even in the way way way back of your mind, is going to cause a lot of unnecessary angst. Accept that you're going to stay with him. He's going to stay with you. Inhabit that and figure out how to make THAT work, instead of living with the "what if"s and "in case of's."
11. Do not put yourself in trouble's way.
Leave your ex-boyfriends and girlfriends alone. I'm sure you're very trustworthy. Aren't we all? The thing is, there's absolutely no reason to test it. Your husband and your marriage are more valuable than any friendship. Any friendship that troubles the marriage should be over immediately. Protect it with knives and teeth, not because it's fragile but because it's precious. Don't ass around with a "hall pass" or a "harmless flirtation." Adultery isn't an event, it's a process with an event at the end. Don't put your feet on a path that could lead someplace bad.
12. Make a husband pact with your friends.
The husband pact says this: I promise to listen to you complain about your husband even in the most dire terms, without it affecting my good opinion of him. I will agree with your harshest criticism, accept your gloomiest predictions. I will nod and furrow my brow and sigh when you describe him as a hideous ogre. Then when your fight is over and love shines again like a beautiful sunbeam in your life, I promise to forget everything you said and regard him as the most charming of princes once more. The husband pact is very useful because you want to be able to vent to your friend without having her actually start hating your husband. Because you don't really mean all those things you say. And she, the swearer of the pact, knows this.
13. Bitch to his mother, not yours.
This is one I did read somewhere in a magazine, and it's totally true. His mother will forgive him. Yours never will. If you're a man, bitch to your friends. They expect it.
14. Be loyal.
All the crap you read in magazines about honesty, sense of humor, communication, sensitivity, date nights, couples weekends, blah blah blah can be trumped by one word: loyalty. You and your spouse are a team of two. It is you against the world. No one else is allowed on the team, and no one else will ever understand the team's rules. This is okay. The team is not adversarial, the team does not tear its members down, the team does not sabotage the team's success. Teammates work constantly to help and better their teammates. Loyalty means you put the other person in your marriage first all the time, and you let them put you first. Loyalty means subverting your whims or desires of the moment to better meet your spouse's whims or desires, with the full understanding and expectation that they will be doing the same. This is the heart of everything, and it is a tricky balance. Sometimes it sways one way and sometimes the other. Sometimes he gets to be crazy, sometimes it's your turn. Sometimes she's in the spotlight, sometimes you. Ups and downs ultimately don't matter, because the team endures.
15. Trust the person you married.
For two people who are trying to help each other, it can almost be harder to let the other person help you than it is to be the one who's helping. It can be harder to let the other person deflect the fight than to be the one deflecting. It can be harder to believe that your husband is fully committed to a lifetime of marriage than to commit yourself. Harder to change yourself than to let the other person change. Harder to be loved than to love. Weird, but true. I'm saying this to everyone who's newly married, and to myself: trust that person. Love them completely and let them love you. If it all goes to seed, it's going to hurt either way. Better to have gone into it full throttle. Full throttle marriage is a thrilling ride.
