What's what in Elliott-ville...

  

As we round the corner on Elliott's 21'st month in the world, I'm reminded every day of the impending t-word.  T, as in T W O.  And it's like he knows how close it is- and is behaving accordingly.  This Elliott of ours... phew!  He is a force.  Here's what's what in Elliott-ville lately...

Diapers?  No.  Just... no.  He's so over those things.  Unfortunately, his body didn't get the no-diaper memo that his mind sent out.  So in the meantime, diaper changes involve wrestling, distracting, impressive speed, and at least 4 hands.

Naps?  Ditto.  If anti-nap tantrums were an olympic sport- you'd be looking at the platinum medal CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE, RIGHT HERE!  I have never seen a child so willfully determined to not be put down for a nap.  I mean, if I could hear my own thoughts over the piercing screams... I'd probably be impressed with the determination.

Food?  We're good here, thank Jesus.  He's been a voracious eater since day 1, and happily the appetite is still going strong.  Of course he'd PREFER that every meal be served with a side of ketchup, and a carrot-apple crusher, but he'll take it either way.  That I can get this child to feast on yogurt, leeks, arugula, avocados, and every meat and veggie known to man makes me a very happy mama.  10 points for Elliott!

NO.  He hears this a lot, and every single time- it's like the very first time.  The hands come up over his eyes, the knees buckle, and *SPLAT* he's face-down on the ground.  Now... cue wailing.  Aaaaand scene.  Maybe not Oscar quality, but at least Golden Globe worthy.

Baths?  Like James and Evelyn before him, Elliott is a water baby through and through.  Anything that has gone wrong in this boy's life can be cured with warm water and a few bubbles.  On a particularly difficult afternoon (*ahem* I'm looking at you, Monday) he spent a good 2.5 hours in his cupcake tub.  I'm convinced that he would have stayed in it overnight if I hadn't pulled the YOURLIPSARETOTALLYPURPLEGETOUT mom card.  

His favorite words?  "Hi" and "happy".  *mellllllllt* 

And there it is... just when I think I'm about to lose my mind, he touches my cheek, looks me right in the eyes, smiles, and says: "Hiiiii!" like he hasn't seen me in YEARS.  He bounces down to the floor, gathers his mess of Hot Wheels, Duplos, and plastic picnic food- chanting "Happy" "Happy" Happy".  And how could we not be?  

So here's me, checking in from month no. 21, dreading month no. 24, and trying hard to appreciate every moment (good and bad) along the way.  

  

Uni-tasking...

I've been thinking a lot about all of the things I juggle everyday.  Parenting, working, cooking, housekeeping, blogging, you know... life!  Since James was born, I've become a master multi-tasker.  Nursing a baby, while discussing work on the phone, while checking my email... or simultaneously making dinner, and cleaning the kitchen, while the iPad props on the kitchen counter playing an audiobook, bouncing Elliott on my hip, and the kids or Jeff talking to me.  The combinations are seemingly endless, and so too are the tasks to be done.  I think back to moments of multitasking with wonder, thinking, how did I get through all that?  I'm amazed, but not proud.  After a long day of multitasking I'm often a bit bewildered and feel as though much of it was done on autopilot, without much contemplation or awareness.  Is this efficient?  Is it valuable?  Is it my best?  Is it healthy?

Of course, we all know that it can be stressful, but researchers at Stanford Medical have recently conducted a series of studies which suggest that multitasking may even be damaging to our cognitive control.  Yikes, I like my brain's executive functions the way they are!  So, I'm making an effort to tone down my impulse to multitask.  Over the past week, I've really tried to focus on unitasking.  Whaaa?  You know... the opposite of the multi-task.  I've tried to focus all of my energy and brain power on just one thing at a time.  Total game-changer, you guys!  I mean, you really have to make an effort- because multitasking has become such a prevalent and necessary behavior in our culture, but try it!  It's like turning off the background noise.  Think of all the ways in which we're splitting our attention throughout the day... walking down the street, talking on the phone/checking email/sending texts...  eating lunch at our desks, while we try to finish a bit of work.  For most employees, multitasking is a job requirement.  For mothers, it sure comes in handy.  But look at that photo of Elliott up there...  is that the beginning of multitasking?!  Nursing is a special experience between a mother and child- do I really need to get other things done while I feed him?  And is he seeing and learning from that behavior?  Is this why he now enjoys nursing while driving a Hot Wheels car over my breasts?  I have to remind myself to focus on those fleeting moments with him- the warmth, the snuggle, the nourishment...  it's such a sweet thing to be able to hold my little wiggle worm close against me for a few minutes and have him wrap his arms around me and hold still.  I can be present in the moment, kiss him, cuddle and hold his hands without wondering if I've got a new message on my phone.

Think you need the multi-task?  You might.  Sometimes.  Every busy mother knows that sometimes it's just the only way to really be functional and get through the day.  But honestly, we can all find little ways to harness and redirect our attention in a more focussed way.  It may even make us more efficient, and help us to produce a higher quality outcome in work and relationships.  Would you want your doctor doing surgery on you while chatting on the phone?  No.  Taking on too many tasks at once dilutes our abilities.  Unitasking is a really wonderful way to redirect yourself and rest your mind, while devoting 100% of your focus on the task at hand, and only the task at hand.  Do one thing, and do it well.  If I'm cooking, I can truly enjoy the experience and take the time to do my very best.  The same goes for working... I have special days and times set aside to do it- so I can really devote myself to doing it well.  Parenting is a privilege... and giving a child all of my attention while they tell me a silly story, or nurse, or just sit next to me, is special.  It makes them feel important, and it gives me an opportunity to notice all of the little things I might otherwise overlook in my typically hectic life.  Like Evelyn's newest freckle, the beginnings of a sore throat in James' voice, or the way that Elliott's feet are stretching out.  It's also great for the time I spend with Jeff.  Our time alone is so limited with 3 children, and often at the end of a long day once they're all asleep- I forget or neglect to focus on just him.  It's easy to collapse on the couch in front of a movie, but it's so nice to spend one-on-one time with him and really listen when he talks, and really engage in adult dialog.  But unitasking is also great for simple pleasures... like drinking a cup of tea, closing your eyes, and enjoying the flavors.  Or relaxing in the tub, and appreciating the heat, the weightlessness, and the peace.  Ahhh...  the peace.

Anyway, I highly recommend giving it a go and letting go of some of your own multitasking moments.
Do less, accomplish more!

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Hello, friends!  I have some questions for you on this sunny Monday...  

What did you want to be when you grew up?  And how accurate was your ambition to your current career?  Did your parents influence your path?

Last night Jeff and I had a conversation centered around the idea of steering children down specific paths and exposing them to activities to help them master skills; in the hope that those skills will serve them later in whatever career they choose.  This (of course) led to a host of introspective thought and a (WOW, sorry) suuuper long blog post...  Jeff loves to reference Malcom Gladwell's "10,000 hour rule" - which basically states that 10,000 hours devoted to one activity, will inevitably render you a master at that activity.  That's roughly 3-4 hours per day for 7 years.  What activities in your life have you spent 10,000 hours doing?  Practicing piano?  Attending dance classes?  Restoring a boat?  Taking care of children?  Driving a car?  You may recall that earlier this summer James attended an engineering camp at Cal Poly.  Having no prior experience in that field- he went in not knowing what to expect, and honestly, we weren't sure if he would grasp the concepts or enjoy the activities...  as it turned out, he LOVED it.  After just one day he declared himself a "future particles engineer" and thrilled in pointing out all the ways in which engineering helps us in everyday life.  James also loves playing the piano, and will not hesitate to call himself a musician, or an artist, or a chef.  The truth is, he is all of these things.  Children (like adults) are multi-faceted.  So do we help them to choose one of these paths to focus their energy and time on?  Do we choose for them?  Do we let it all play out and not steer or center their focus at all?  

My parents didn't push any one activity on me but they definitely helped to steer my direction by providing the opportunity and making it possible for me to focus on the things that I was passionate about.  I rode a horse for the first time when I was 2, and I logged in far more than the requisite 10,000 hours by the time I turned 10.  Though I'm prone to embellishment, that estimate is not an exaggeration.  Riding a horse feels as natural to me as brushing my teeth, or tying my shoes.  There is no anxiety, there is no apprehension... it just is.  It's a part of who I am... ingrained and permanent.  Was it hard for my parents?  Did they sacrifice and go out of their way to make that happen for me?  No.  In fact, I think it was probably the easiest option at the time.  My mother was a horse trainer and she wouldn't hesitate to throw me on a "babysitter horse", and go about her work.  My mother imparted riding on me out of necessity and convenience, there was no respite from it.  Horse-immersion... like a job, was there rain or shine, and whether I felt like doing it or not.  She couldn't have known what an impact that consistency would have on me, or what a natural approach to learning it was.  Of course there were ballet classes, a short stint on a volleyball team, and later, Tae Kwon Do (which I loved and did well in), but nothing so ever-present in my life as horses. 

James has vacillated from soccer, to baseball, to dance, to pottery, to piano, and at 12 years old, I worry that he hasn't found his thing.  And is that my fault?  Should I be shuttling across town to games for sports and activities that he's only vaguely interested in?  This may not be the popular response, but going out of my way for something that neither of us is truly passionate about seems like a waste of time.  Make no mistake, if he was passionately devoted to something, I would shuttle and scramble and move mountains to make it available to him.  I'm waiting eagerly for that moment!  But to be honest with you, I believe so strongly in the idea that immersion learning is the most beneficial of all.  It certainly seems the most natural path to knowledge.  Whether we realize it or not, and whether our children make use of it later in life, or they don't- so much specialized knowledge can be imparted through parents.  And why shouldn't they take advantage of our own 10,000 hour knowledge?  My best friend whose dad owns a concrete company was able to mould and make a concrete septic tank by the time we were 16.  Certainly not because she sought out that knowledge- but because it was right there in front of her, and impossible to not learn.  Similarly, Jeff and his sister know the ins and outs of mushroom farming, not out of some deep-seeded interest in mushrooms, but by parental default.  Because of my parents I learned the business of horses, as well as how to run a taxi and limousine service, an extensive knowledge of plants and gardening, and also how to run a retail store.   Did I become a horse trainer?  No.  And I've never had any inclination to run a taxi and limousine service.  But I know what it takes to do it, and that broadens my value in competitive employment.  In fact, in none of the above references did the children follow the direct business paths of their parents, but does that make those skills less valuable?  Of course not.  The most important lessons my parents imparted on me were about taking chances, working hard, being your own boss, and self-expectations.  These are a skillset that have affected my career path and driven me to succeed on my own terms.   

I wonder, what skills Jeff and I are imparting on our own kids?  This is a scary question, because between the two of us, we're all across the board!  Hopefully this is a good thing... they can't help but learn about art as a career, painting, writing, photography, fashion, and retail.  And I know that they'll understand the value of creativity, marketing, and perseverance.  But my great hope is that, like us (and our parents), they'll never fear the unknown in business.  They'll choose a path, research it to death, and then armed with knowledge, be brave enough to dive in.  So what's my plan for James?  At the end of our conversation last night we decided that the best possible way to support our children in mastering a skill, is to expose them to a wide berth of possibilities and encourage them in whichever areas they show a true enthusiasm.  James will continue to play piano, and be an artist, a chef, and a particles engineer.  And we will continue to provide a piano, money for art classes, engineering camps, and food to cook.  Will the end result be a career in these fields?  It doesn't matter.  The true value is in the enrichment of life and learning.  

What skills will you impart upon your own children (either consciously, or unconsciously)?    

  

P.S. 

A very SLO morning...

Motherhood, Martyrdom, and Scheduling Life...

Tough guys...

"Elliott, don't tell people that we snuggle on the couch, watching The Little Mermaid- we're supposed to be tough."

Motherhood, martyrdom, and scheduling life...

So after months of bed rest, Cesarean recovery, inevitable life-upside-down-ness that comes along with a new babe, a year and a half of sleep deprivation, and the miscellaneous juggling that comes with parenting and self-employment...  Jeff and I have finally come up with a schedule!  WHY oh why didn't we do this a year ago???  Honestly, when we first talked about it, I worried that I was being overly rigid and O.C.D. about life, but now I realize that it's really about replacing chaos with balance.  My friends, it has been nothing short of AMAZING.  I feel human again.  

Instead of trying to squeeze in work between Elliott's naps, or pass him back and forth throughout the day, or just... give in to frustration, give up and get nothing done... I have two days a week to spend as I please.  Work?  Rest?  Clean?  Get mah hair did?  No problem.  Game changer!  I'm able to PLAN, EXECUTE, and FINISH everything that I start.  I'm able to sleep in, think clearly, make appointments, meet deadlines, run errands, have meetings (without wearing an Ergo), or even take showers in the middle of the day when I'm on day three of dry shampoo and baby goo.  

 At the end of these scheduled days, I feel so revitalized and grateful.  I feel better able to focus on my children, without simultaneously thinking of all the work piling up.  I feel excited about cooking and meal planning, and anxious to enjoy time with my family again.  I recently read some essays on this working/parenting balance that actually made me angry.  Society both looks down upon mothers who "let themselves go" and condemns the ones that "put themselves first".  How can we win?  Balance.  As mothers we are so ingrained to put ourselves last, and the guilt comes so easily when we don't; but the truth is... I'm not at my best when I'm not taking care of myself, and my children deserve better than that.  When I'm an exhausted mess, I'm a shell of the mom I want to be.  My friend Debra discussed it with me and I loved her perspective: "It's the air mask on a plane principle...  I used to think it was sad to put mine on first, but no one is going to look out for your child as well as his mother- and if she can't breathe that child will suffer.  And to be honest, nothing is less attractive on a woman than martyrdom."  Truth.  

Our schedule is my new favorite thing.  But my absolute favorite part about it?  Jeff and Elliott go on these darling daddy/baby dates to parks, In n Out Burger, Nanny's house, long bike rides - you know, general boy shenanigans.  And they send me the most precious little videos and adorable photos while out on these excursions.  

Treasures, I tell ya...

Elliott concurs...

Cloth napkins from Picking Daisies = best bibs ever.  ♥

Bringing Up Bébé...

How sick are you of hearing about this book?

It's been reviewed, revered, and reviled everywhere from the New York Times, and Forbes, to the Wall Street Journal, and the Huffington Post - not to mention every mommy blog in-between...

I bought it last week.  

I'll spare you another in-depth review, but I'll give you my brief opinion of it.  First, you should know that I had pretty low expectations.  I read all of the above, and about 300 reader comments about the book, many of whom came from French mother's themselves, who really couldn't understand what all the fuss was about.  Many were offended by the notion that even their parenting could be reduced to a fad by an American author.  Most of them couldn't grasp the idea that these common sense ideals could be a revelation in motherhood.  In the first chapter Druckerman addresses this, by stating outright that the French mothers she interviewed insisted that they weren't doing anything special.  I realized in reading this that one mother's/country's/culture's common sense is another's  epiphany!  As an American, living and raising children in France, Druckerman found herself in a unique perspective- with the opportunity to observe both her American and French friends with their children and she found remarkable disparities in their parenting styles and focus, and these are the observations she shares with us in Bringing Up Bébé.  

   

You guys, I LOVE THIS BOOK!  

I had every intention of flipping through it, reading a chapter or two over a cup of cocoa in the Barnes & Noble Cafe, and promptly returning it to the shelf.  I was prepared to dismiss it with a super ambivalent "Yeah, I started to read it- it was crap".  But it's fantastic!  I found it really informative and objective; more anthropological than instructional.  Take what you want from it, but this is what she learned.  What works for one mother may not work for another, but I fully appreciate the idea of a woman sharing something that worked well for her, and spreading the word.  Plus, this all plays out in Paris!  The exact same parenting methods might be happening in Japan, Africa, Argentina...  but oh, Paris.  Paris just makes it all that much more intriguing, doesn't it?  

Tonight I fed my baby braised leeks for dinner- because of this book.  He loved them! Braised leeks for my 8 month old boy wouldn't even have occurred to me last week. Voila!

Merci, Ms. Druckerman.